“…the more I pull apart the harder I collide…”
Self-hate, self loathing all very good friends of mine. 2 friends I need to get rid of but I just can’t seem to snap free of. Every time I think I’ve finally broke free of them something will happen and we snap right back together again. This past week was no different. What started the chain of events is not importation really because it was so stupid and ridiculous to cause such an over-reaction. However that’s what happened, I took offense to something that was completely innocent, and really had nothing at all to do with me but Satan got in my brain and made me believe that this was all happening behind my back because my opinion was not valid nor wanted. Once I cooled off and really thought through everything I realized I completely over reacted. Then the self-hate set in, (rubber band snaps back together again) I got so mad at myself for the over reaction that a series of eternal fights set off in my head and the shut down started. I pulled away from everyone, I was in such a mood it took all I had not to lash out at my students. Then someone called me out on it, they tried to help but all I could hear is an attack. (…bound to get a little outta hand…-C.W.) I had to force out an apology cause I knew I was wrong but the one person I couldn’t apologize to was myself, I could let myself off the hook, I stayed mad and shut off. To make things worse is that over past year and half I have shut myself off from a lot of things I couldn’t turn to those who could help. Why do I keep running from from those that can help? Why do I let the rubber band snap back together again? Why can’t I fight the urge to hide? Why do I convince myself that I an not wanted, why do I talk myself out of going to places and doing things I need to be doing? Maybe my goal for 2016 should be to snip the rubber band. I don’t know a lot of thing but the person who tried to help me this week and I wouldn’t let them, kept trying and gave me a word of God that will be the word I stand on this year and I will use to try to snip that rubber band.