Yesterday was a great day, at least it should have been. I completed my first 5K yesterday; (crossing something off my list of things I wanted to get done this year) I ran/walked the color run. This was a big deal for me because 5K’s were never something I wanted to do and most likely I could never could have saw to completion before P31, in my mind this was a big deal. However they day started off well but ended with me sitting on the floor of my closet crying for 20 minutes.
The day started off just fine, and the race went off without problem I had a blast and can’t wait to do it again. But just before we left when we were taking after race pictures something happened that nobody in the group I ran with noticed or will ever realized what happened but it sent me into a downward emotional spiral. What happened isn’t important, and every time I clearheadedly think about it I tell myself how stupid this is, how selfish, and immature it is, but sometimes thinking about it makes me cry. I ran(ok walked mostly) with a wonderful group of ladies that I think 90% of the time truly love and care for me, and I say 90% because 10% of the time I still think they are looking for ways to get rid of me or secretly wish I would leave, these are the same ladies who 1 week ago threw me a surprise birthday dinner and are constantly telling me how much they love me but I am constantly looking and waiting to find out that’s not true. I came home from the race and I got in the shower to wash all the color off and I just started to cry and then laid in bed in an emotional place I am all too familiar with, that place where I feel sad, and feel like if I stand in the middle of a room and scream no one will even look up. I problem would have stayed there but I had to go to a friend’s birthday dinner and had to fake my way through dinner, I don’t think I did a very good job because I hardly said anything and it kind of felt like in the movies when you see the main character all perplexed and all the background noise becomes all mumbled. That’s about how it felt, and when I came home I realized that with how far I have come with something’s I still have a lot of work to do.
I really still have to work on come down after an emotional high and normalizing out a normal mood and not spiraling down to a dark place, I have to stop looking for a reason to run away from people, I MUST stop reading into everyone’s actions thinking they are secretly trying to tell me they hate me. The only way to fix these things it dive into the word and draw closer to Jesus, this worship song lyric is just ringing in my head right now and it is so true, I maybe weak but my spirit is strong in you, I maybe weak but I know that in Christ ALONE I am strong.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever-Psalm 73:26