You ever been asked a question and conflicted at what your answer would be? Well after a question was posed to me I’ve wrestled in my head with how to answer it, so after hours and hours of going over it in my head I thought I would pose the question to anyone who might read this. A few months ago some colleagues and I were joking around about me still being the only single one in the department, and one of them spoke up and asked how I felt about blind dates then goes oh wait he has a kids, are kids a deal breaker? I said I’ve never given it much thought but if it’s right and he’s the one I don’t think it would matter. Well that thought of “are kids a deal breaker” has been rolling around my head since, and after learning a friend of mine with two kids was getting a divorce I started thinking about how one day he could remarry someone and that women would have to be ok with him having kids and be strong to take that on. I started wondering could I be a strong woman like that, is a man that already has kids a “deal breaker”?
I’ve never seen myself as the instant mom type; I’ve always seen me being the first for my husband, but I’m not getting any younger and the older I get the possibly of me finding a man who has never been married like me is dwindling and I will most likely have to settle for being his second best. So I have to start thinking could I be the woman my mom was and marry a guy with kids and have an instant family? Part of me says if he is “the one” it’s not going to matter, I will love him and his kids, but at the same time I worry that if that happens we would lose that time that we learn about each other after marriage but before having kids, that much needed just you and him time. Also the extremely selfish part of me (and before I say this I know how selfish this is, that fact is not lost on me) wants to be the center of his attention our first year and just like he will be mine. I worry that when/if I become pregnant with our first child that first child excitement will be non-existent cause has already gone through it none of it would be new, exciting and scary.
At the same time though I think I have to be that women, my mom married my dad and he had my two older sisters already and look at how well she did it, so if she did it I HAVE to be ok to do it. Now with that said I know that making our family work where there is no division of well these are his kids and these are mine, hasn’t always been easier I’ve seen both my parents work really hard and there were times it wasn’t very easy and I am very blessed that I was raised in a family that put in the effort and made it work seamlessly(ish). Could I be that women? Could I put in that effort? I already worry about being a good mom, could I be a good step-mom? I already worry about my own kids hating me; let’s add on the pressure of step kids.
So I have yet to come to a concrete answer, I don’t know if “kids are a deal breaker” I think I am more confused now that when I started thinking about it, I think part of it is I over think things too much. Luckily I had a friend who I was talking to yesterday about it who gave me some great input on both sides and then before we ended it she told me, to relax and not to worry about something that hasn’t come up yet, and to deal with it when/if that issue ever arises. However before I end this one let me pose the question to you, could you marry someone with kids? To you that are already married, could you have married your husbands if they would have had kids already?
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.