You ever wanted something so bad but you knew it was bad for you? Or ever wanted that same thing so bad but you didn’t want it at the same time? For eight years I’ve knowingly and unknowingly fought this battle, of wanting to force something that was not for me nor was it good for me, this is that story and how I finally broke that chain that was holding me back from moving on.
Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Loving him was like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all…
Eight years ago I was 20 years old, starting my 2nd year college, and falling fast and hard for a 21 year old Houston area boy. This boy was everything I thought I wanted in a boy; he was cute, sweet, funny, bad boy exterior with a good guy heart. I spent every minute I could with him or around him, when I was around him I had butterflies the size of beach balls, I found it hard to breath when I was around him. All those feelings I was feeling where new and different and confusing, I had never felt that was before and didn’t know what to do or say. I remember just talking with my friends about it over and over again; they must have gotten sick of hearing his name. One night they finally convinced me to tell him how I felt about him, so that same night he and I went on what would be the 1st of many long walks with conversation going on and I told him how I felt, till this day I’m still amazed I told him, and that I didn’t puke while doing it cause I was that nervous. Well you if you’ve read any of my entries before this you know that he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about him, and I should have stepped back and moved on, but thing stupid fool I was I figured he’d come around. You know if I had been smart and just backed off and moved on the next few years would have been so much easier, but I’m just not that smart.
…Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong…
That year my world revolved around him in the worst way, I would spend any free moment I could with him, I would at times rearrange my schedule to be with him, drop everything when he would call or text, sometimes take time away from friends to spend with him, stay up till 2-3 in the morning talking to him. I see now how unhealthy that was but back then you couldn’t tell me what I was doing was bad, believe me my parents tried. I just figured that he was spending that much time around me maybe he was starting to change his mind about me maybe he was starting to fall for me…WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!! I came back from winter break a day early (yes to spend time with him) and we sitting in my room talking and he told me that most likely he and this other girl would start dating that semester; I was crushed, what happened to him coming around to me? I wanted to scream “what about me?” But I didn’t I stayed composed and told him to be careful. Well the semester went on, and that girl that he went after, well really wanted nothing to do with him but he kept going after her. I spent nights talking with him and picking him up off the floor (metaphorically) each time she told him she didn’t want him, I would hope and pray that the fog would clear and he would finally see me as the girl for him, that I had been here along! Well we all know that never happened, that only happens in movies, the school year ended and I moved back home for the summer, and finally got some much needed distance from him, but not perspective. That summer I plunged head first into the darkest period of my life, one I hope to never repeat.
…Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’ve never met
But loving him was red…
That summer and the months to follow were some of the darkest times of my life, I’ve wrote about it before how I tried to change everything about myself, asking what was wrong with me that he didn’t like me, what could I change to be more like her, the one he wanted. All while I digging myself a ditch that was getting deeper and deeper and darker. And I’ve written before what triggered me to seek out help to get out the pit, and what was once so blue and dark and gray would later turn to burning red anger. I was so angry that I took that anger out on him, just because he didn’t want me, so I tried to change who I was for him and he still didn’t want me. Well years went by and that burning red anger cooled down and I convinced myself that I was over him…or so I thought.
….Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go
But moving on from him is impossible
When I still see it all in my head….
Flash back to about a year and half ago, around 10:30 on a summer August night, my phone rings and it’s two of my closet friends from college who were reminiscing about our time in college and came across on old photo of the boy and I and got to talking about how there was just something that prevented us from ever becoming a couple. So after talking for a while they call me up and inform me of their discussion, I told them they were crazy cause there was nothing preventing us from getting together other than the fact is he didn’t feel the same way about me as I did him and that was it. One of my friends keep pushing me and pushing me and asking me if I still loved him and I informed her I couldn’t love someone that didn’t love me, she, without missing a beat said, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say, and she kept asking me and pressing me, and asking me if I was honest with myself, and no excuses what I still in love with him?
Found myself at your door,
Just like all those times before,
I’m not sure how I got there,
All roads they lead me here.
I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better…
– Gary Lightbody
I sat in my apartment on the phone with them pondering that question and delaying answering that question, but at that moment I knew that if I was honest with myself I was still in love with that boy, I was still waiting for him to come to his senses see that I was the girl for him. At that moment a flood of emotions came back to me that I had buried so down deep, but a thought came to me, this was no longer 6 years ago, since that day he left HPU he’s gotten married and divorced, and I’ve moved several times and changed as well neither one of us was the person the other knew then, and we are on opposite sides of the state if he wanted to give a relationship a try it was be a long distance one and with my trust issues mixed in that might not be a good thing. Well back on the phone both the girls told me I need to talk to the boy again and get him for once and for all tell me how he felt, and if we felt the same way go from there but if he still didn’t feel the same way I had my answer and wouldn’t spend my life wondering what if and I could move one. However I was suborned and told them that there was no reason to ask because I already knew the answer, plus he wouldn’t want me, he was too good for me and I didn’t deserve him.
…You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave,
And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better…
Well the girls and I have had this discussion several times this past year and half, and for the past 8 years the boy and I have kept in contact we talk every once and a while via text message, always initiated by me(I’m still doing all the work, should be a sign right?) Well earlier this month, this whole subject came to a point, one Sunday morning I wasn’t really feeling like going to church but I got up went anyways, running late I sat in the back half heartily listing to the sermon, when the pastor started talking about not wanting to live a life with regrets and needing to break free from relationship that aren’t good for us. At that moment a vision of that boy popped into my head and I started paying attention to what the pastor was saying. At the end of the service the pastor gave a call out for prayer and I all but ran up there, and while I was up there I had this weird feeling inside of me, I felt like there was a battle going on inside of me, God telling the enemy that I was going to break this chain that was holding me back, and the enemy pulling on that chain saying no she isn’t. I don’t know how I stood standing up, I felt I was going to pass out and the only thing I can think of that was holding me up was the Holy Spirit. I left church that day on a mission to break this chain that I could now see was holding me back. I called my friends and told them what was going on and asked for prayer and guidance then that after I sat down and wrote the toughest e-mail and most honest e-mail I have ever wrote, I told him everything I wanted and asked if he had ever or if he felt the same way, I almost threw up when it came to send it but knew if I didn’t send it now I never would.
This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it’s been you all along,
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore
.-Gary Lightbody and Taylor Swift
In less than a half hour he responded, it was the answer I was expecting, he never felt the same way and still didn’t. At that moment I wanted to cry and tried to make myself cry but the truth was I cried 7 years ago when he didn’t want me then, and I really didn’t feel sad I just felt free and FINALLY ready to move on.
This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name on the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye…
– Gary Lightbody and Taylor Swift
I don’t know what lies ahead for the 2 of us, I know that right now I’m taking a break from him, this is the 1st time in a long time I didn’t text him to wish him a Merry Christmas and I won’t wish him Happy New Year at midnight tomorrow maybe our friendship has run its course only time will tell. As for me, I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that for the first time in a long time I feel free, like nothing is holding me back, and I feel ok that I’m still single and I feel strong and ready face whatever comes at me in 2013!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11