Little One Big Mess-Sugarland

So we are a week removed from Awaken and I felt like I should do some reflexing, and as I was sitting down this weekend to start that I ran across this song from Sugarland, while listening to it I started crying because I realized how much this past year I have been the lyrics of this song.  So I decided to reflex on the year so far in the context of this song.  Enjoy.

Little Miss Down On Love
Little Miss I Give up
Little Miss I’ll Get Tough
Don’t you worry ’bout me anymore

At the beginning of this year I gave up on ever finding love, I figured that I haven’t found the guy I was going to marry by now I never would.  I just resigned to the fact that I was destine to live a life alone and that marriage and babies weren’t in the cards for me.  Now I kept up the outward appearance that I believed that one day I would get all my heart desired but after a while keeping up that facade just got to tiring so I just gave up and started telling people if they asked if I was married I would say no just not in the cards for me. People would tell me don’t give up everything happens in God’s perfect timing, but as I watched friends marry, have babies, or tell me the where expecting I would just laugh at God’s timing, because just as I was giving up he was placing people in my life that were getting everything I had ever dreamed about, ironic right?  At this same time, I resigned to the fact I was always going to be doormat to people, I hate conflict and confrontation so I just usually give in or let things go that I would try to ignore but where cutting me to the bone.  I just told myself to get tough, or just feel miserable those at the time where the only 2 options.  (You have to keep in mind this is all pre-P31 or Awaken)

Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One Big Mess
Little Miss I’ll take Less
When I Always Give So Much More

 

Emotionally, spiritually, mental and maybe a little bit physically I was a BIG MESS!!! I let myself be run by my emotions, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I eternalize everything never letting my anger escape.  I had forgotten to believe that God would stay true to his promise to give me the desires of our heart (in his time).  I just figured I wasn’t worth my dreams and I would settle for less.


It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay

(Okay)
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay

Little Miss Do Your Best
Little Miss Never Rest
Little Miss Be My Guest
I’ll Make More Anytime That It Runs Out

 

Now when it comes to my teaching we all know this is my belief, give my best, my all and NEVER rest.  This year has been the worst on that front, things out my control have put a lot of stress on me, I feel like I’m way to slow on getting the hang of the new curriculum, and I spend WAY too much time at school, when the school year started I was spending 10 to 12 hour days at school and working every weekend (both days), by the time the 1st week of October came around I was so tired and on the verge of coming down with my 4th round of bronchitis and the dr. was very concerned with my blood pressure.  Something had to change.

Little Miss You’ll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About

 

I have a lot of scars, hid behind lots of walls, I don’t talk about them a lot of them because I don’t want people to worried about me, I feel like I can take care of myself.  I don’t let a lot of people in because no one wants to see this mess, and I don’t want to get hurt anymore so walls are a necessity. 

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
And it’ll be alright again

It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
(Okay)
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay

Oh, Lord
Oh, and you are loved
Are loved
Little Miss Brand New Start

Little Miss Do Your Part
Little Miss Big Ol’ Heart Beats Wide Open
She’s ready now for love

I don’t think Awaken 2012 could have been more perfectly plan, God showing me that his timing was again perfect.  I have written earlier that I was dealing a new hurt and completely isolated myself for about 3 weeks.  I had just gone back to church a few weeks prior to this.  But I still had one little issues, I still had unforgivenss in my heart, in doing that the enemy had used that opening and attack, and boy did he attack.  While sitting in my last session at Awaken, ironically being given by the person that had hurt me, I realized how bad he had attacked.  I left that session not hearing a word the presenter said I was just focused on the anger I had towards her.  That night I went to worship, and that night changed my life.  After the message on Conviction and Condemnation, they had a call to prayer the Lord led me to go up for prayer and admit that anger and unforgivness was in my heart and it had lead me to let the enemy in, my pastor looked at me and said, “it’s about time, I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that for weeks now!” As she prayed with me, I felt a new calling coming over me; she then told me that we were going to pray for me to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  As she started to pray and lovely women of God that I love/respect and love/respect me started praying over me I felt the Holy Spirit fill me.  It’s a feeling I can’t describe but I knew I was forever changed.  I figured I was done learning at this years Awaken, but God (once again in his ever perfect timing) had other plans, the message was like the pastor was only talking to me.  She told us that our life’s are just about us, God sometimes uses our life’s to mentor someone else and that God will give us the desires of our heart on his timing, and that we should not settle.  I sat in the audience crying cause I had given up, but I have slowing started picking up dreams I have let die because I figured I wasn’t good enough for them or my time had passed.  I will get married, I will have babies, I will get back on stage in front of a microphone and sing my heart out in due time.

While the call for prayer on Saturday was going on, God lead the person who had hurt me to come talk to me, after she said 1 word to me I grabbed her, sobbed (me and my roommate did a lot of that there), and I said I was sorry for the way I acted, and forgave her, it was amazing to feel that burden be lifted off of me. 

So all in all Awaken 2012, an amazing life changing experience, 1 I thank God for letting me experience, and placing amazing Godly women in my life to learn from and lean on for guidance.


It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
Well, sometimes you gotta lose ’til you win
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright
It’ll be alright again

It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
(Okay)

It’ll be alright again, I’m okay
It’ll be alright again

So to close out this entry for tonight, where do I go from here?  I don’t really know, I feel like I’m sitting on the side of the road looking at the map asking what’s next but I do know a few things, I am loved, I am ok and I am WORTHY!!!

So we keep praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of His Call…”-2 Thessalonians 1:11

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