God’s timing is as always perfect. Today at church a sermon was given on the spirit of the python, how like the python, addictions can squeeze the life out of you. The pastor put out a call for everyone to leave these “pythons” down and walk away from them. Now he never said this would be easy I know for me it won’t be, but getting rid of them will draw you closer to Jesus. One of the ways he said to lay them down would be to admit you have them and to tell someone, so I thought I would post mine on here. So here I go!
Food has always been a source for comfort to me, when I’m sad, angry, upset, lonely, or want to celebrate something I’ve always turned to food, and mind you it’s not healthy food, it’s been ice cream, candy, chocolate cookies, anything really bad for you. It should be no surprise that just fed my weight, which would keep increasing.
I know that’s an odd addiction but it is one of mine. I worry that when I call someone and they don’t answer and don’t respond after I while I worry something bad has happened to them. I worry about being an idiot or stupid in front of someone and what would they think of me. I worry about pleasing people or disappointing someone. I worry about being able to tell someone how I feel about them (especially when I met Mr. Right) because one time I did tell “he should shall not be named” he shattered my heart. I fear not experience life, but funny thing is fear is what holding me back.
He Who Shall Not Be Name:
He still has a hold on me and it’s been roughly 8 years since I’ve seen him and this all started. I wonder if I will always wonder what if? Did he ever have feeling for me? Does he now? Did he ever feel the same way about me? To my 2 friends that have been there through every part of this with me, I know this would all be solved by just asking him, but that would take more strength than I have. We three know he isn’t reading this and he isn’t calling to clear this mess up.
When I get depressed I have a very bad habit of going out and spending money I really need to live off. It makes me feel good for a while till I realize that in order to make till the end of the month I’m going to have to over draft my account, well that just starts a bad cycle. Luckily, that habit has been replaced by me throwing myself into learning how to cook healthier food. But it’s still a temptation I struggle with.
Well I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with depression or bi-polar (as one counselor once told me I could be) I do struggle with depression like symptoms. After the rejection from he who shall not be named I tried to change myself for him and well we all know well that works. Well that was followed by being so unhappy that I would find myself only eating 1 meal a day, sleeping 12-15 hours a day. Now it’s been years since I’ve been that low, I still some times struggle with isolating myself. (This is one of the many reasons I’m looking forward to P31 it will give me 4 opportunities a week to get out of my APT!)
So here they are, all laid out for me to leave them behind. This will not be an easy battle but I hope with the strength I gain from P31 I hope I will no longer need these crutches, which is what they are.
ON that note I’m going to end this by asking for your prayers, that these burdens may be lifted and that God might grant me strength as I attend my first P31 boot camp class tomorrow at 5:15am!